March 7, 2012

Post 5

I have always considered myself a tough cookie. I may have my moments. I may get knocked down a few pegs. But I will always rise to the occasion, step up to the plate, dust myself off and resume. And that is exactly what I did.
The separation from Gabriels father was devastating, I felt so incredibly alone.
I now had to leave work completely, a job that I had loved so much....
a job where I had a bright future. It went from maternity leave to extended leave to part time work to unemployed.  Gabriel needed special care that only a nurse or myself could provide. I needed to be there for him. I wanted to be sure he received the intensive daily therapy he needs to optimize his development. I did not want to have any regrets. I just wish I could have provided for him too. 

I can’t complain. I had family and I was grateful to have them.

The feeding  and med schedule at that time was this: 8, 11, 2, 5 AM and PM.  It is still similar to this day.

Gabriel was four months old now; he had been out of the hospital about two months. On a regular visit to the gastroenterologist, we faced the fact that Gabriel was just not going to gain weight. He said it was time we take action and move to the NG tube. This would give me a way to feed Gabriel whatever remaining milk he did not take from the bottle, and buy me a bit more time to try to get him to eat. There was discussion about implanting a G-button in my
baby’s stomach, but I was still not ready for that. I did not want to give up so they sent us home with the NG tube.

Before Gabriel could be discharged, I had to learn how to insert (drop) the tube into his body.This tube is a long narrow tube that contains a flexible wire in it that must be fed up the nose down the back of the throat until it reaches the stomach. It’s a painful process so once you start it’s important to keep pushing the tube in an upward motion. Going as fast as you can. The faster one goes the less painful the experience.

I didn't want to practice on my baby so I decided to let my mom practice on me as the guinea pig. All I could feel was
 this horrible burning sensation.

Not a pleasant experience.